Wednesday, April 7, 2010
THE FEELING OF NOT BEING TOGETHER
THE FEELING OF NOT BEING TOGETHERMissing someone who is not there is humane but it has been a strange and heart wrenching feeling that we three could not get together. Since we were at different places during the final stages of pregnancy, we both used to share a joke about me getting the good news on phone and eventually it happened too. I was not present there at the time of birth so I missed the chance of being with the mother and the baby, later next day when I transferred the baby to a better equipped hospital ,my wife did not even know what was happening to the baby. That travel on Delhi roads in an ambulance shook me hard, the feel of fatherhood had arrived in fact it was drilled deep in my head by the hard reality of our baby girl being unwell. The dreaded sound of that ambulance siren pierced my heart more than my ears, perhaps I was not listening I was just thinking what will happen next.That day I went through an entire life, its like a magic how the love for your child appears in your heart when u see the baby first time. The love grew stronger every time I saw her, I looked at the tiny eyes though they were open for a little while, I was praying silently and sometimes talking to the baby in my heart, I was telling her to get well and go to her mother with me. I even imagined how would she look when she grows up, I thought about the games we would play together. It was a struggle between life and death, a fight between hope and the inevitable. When the doctor called me I knew what he had to tell me, he gave me the news and my heart skipped a beat when I saw the the baby breathing, my moist eyes turned towards doctor , he probably understood my question but thrashed my hopes by telling me that baby was on ventilator and the chest movement was due to forced oxygen into dead lungs. I froze, did not know what to say, suddenly something moistened my hands, I saw few tear drops on my palm.Everything was flashing past my mind, my eyes were seeing what we had planned for our baby, we were playing together, we were shopping together, we were happy together but then we never got together they were just our dreams going through my mind, the cold unmoving reality was lying in front of me along with the feel of not being together.
LAUGHTER IS A MEDICINE INDEED BUT A BITTER ONE..
LAUGHTER IS A MEDICINE INDEED BUT A BITTER ONE..
My restless eyes caught a poster on hospital wall, it read “children make love stronger , home happier, nights longer and future worth living for”. I did not relate to it until I experienced that one day of fatherhood. Now that our daughter has gone from our lives after that brief single day stay, we are feeling her in every walk of life. Things those we bought for her, dreams those we saw for her, even if we see towards each other, eyes search for something which has gone amiss. There is emptiness in everything we see. Its so strange how we pick up every detail when our eyes are searching something, everything lying here and there means something or the other. The sweater my mother was knitting for the little one never found a place in my thoughts until now, and now I think of touching it every time I see it but I don’t want to cry in front of my wife. I just wipe my eyes dry and look in the other direction, but perhaps I want to see it every day and that is why I could not remove it so far.Time is flowing leaving everything behind but even time cannot run over human memory so easily, some impressions remain despite being run over by time. Family and friends are trying hard to distract our minds from our grief but memories refuse to go away. I remember being told once “memories behave in a weird way, they leave you alone when you are in a crowd and they crowd you when you are alone”. How hard we try to knead the things to normalcy they keep coming back to us in whatever we do whatever we see. A child’s smile is god’s gift to mankind but even that too reminds us of the tiny smile we lost, the pain is quite evident and is affecting people around us too. Our dear ones trying their bid in every possible way, trying to make us laugh, trying to help us heal. We laugh with them but it doesn’t last too long and it ends abruptly leaving a bitterness in thoughts making us realize we actually have lost our reason to laugh. Laughter never tasted this bitter.
My restless eyes caught a poster on hospital wall, it read “children make love stronger , home happier, nights longer and future worth living for”. I did not relate to it until I experienced that one day of fatherhood. Now that our daughter has gone from our lives after that brief single day stay, we are feeling her in every walk of life. Things those we bought for her, dreams those we saw for her, even if we see towards each other, eyes search for something which has gone amiss. There is emptiness in everything we see. Its so strange how we pick up every detail when our eyes are searching something, everything lying here and there means something or the other. The sweater my mother was knitting for the little one never found a place in my thoughts until now, and now I think of touching it every time I see it but I don’t want to cry in front of my wife. I just wipe my eyes dry and look in the other direction, but perhaps I want to see it every day and that is why I could not remove it so far.Time is flowing leaving everything behind but even time cannot run over human memory so easily, some impressions remain despite being run over by time. Family and friends are trying hard to distract our minds from our grief but memories refuse to go away. I remember being told once “memories behave in a weird way, they leave you alone when you are in a crowd and they crowd you when you are alone”. How hard we try to knead the things to normalcy they keep coming back to us in whatever we do whatever we see. A child’s smile is god’s gift to mankind but even that too reminds us of the tiny smile we lost, the pain is quite evident and is affecting people around us too. Our dear ones trying their bid in every possible way, trying to make us laugh, trying to help us heal. We laugh with them but it doesn’t last too long and it ends abruptly leaving a bitterness in thoughts making us realize we actually have lost our reason to laugh. Laughter never tasted this bitter.
COLOUR OF SORROW
COLOUR OF SORROW
What colour do we see when we feel happy? What colour do we see when we are angry? List of such questions may be never ending but at this hour I am wondering what colour do we see when we are deep soaked in sorrow.It was fourteenth Feb , the day popularly known as the valentine’s day, some colour was more prevalent than others that day though I read in newspaper much later. I got up in the morning and found my pillow wet, it reminded me of what I was going through and made me cry again, not the kind of start one would want for himself. But I had an unfinished job , I walked out of the house to see my wife and break the most unwanted news to her. All my way I was thinking about the way I would tell her, I was unsure of the words I would use but then I realized that words would be insignificant just a look at my face and colour of eyes would tell her the entire story.On my way I saw people holding roses in their hand and wearing some particular colour, I couldn’t make out what colour that was. I wanted to rush up to her there was a haste in my walk, though I did have a sad news but I wanted to tell her as early as possible I didn’t even consider her being unwell, perhaps crying my heart out with her was only concern. I entered her room, she asked me without using any words and all I could hardly whisper in her ears and we broke into tears, for a moment crying felt good. I wished I could cry more but the unfinished job was on my mind so I left her in tears and moved onto my destination.Walking towards the mortuary I was thinking about those black mortuary vans and I was wondering if mortuary was black in colour but I think it was not. Soon my frozen baby was handed over to me and I again travelled and incidentally in a black car. I was holding her in my arms , the ice was melting and so was my grief and was coming out through my eyes. I felt the baby was so relaxed in my arms. Travelling along a canal we crossed few fields and reached the banks of Yamuna. A man started digging with shovel and finished soon as the sand was loose, I wished if he could dig deeper to accommodate my grief but I was told it was deep enough, I got ready to lower the baby keeping the sorrow to myself. I removed the white cloth saw a red colour blood clot on her left cheek, she still looked so cute I wanted to kiss her cheeks.As I lowered her down my eyes were filled with water I couldn’t see anything clear, sunlight broke into many colours through the water in my eyes but looked colourless. I was wondering what is the colour of sorrow, that day I saw every colour but none meant anything to me.
What colour do we see when we feel happy? What colour do we see when we are angry? List of such questions may be never ending but at this hour I am wondering what colour do we see when we are deep soaked in sorrow.It was fourteenth Feb , the day popularly known as the valentine’s day, some colour was more prevalent than others that day though I read in newspaper much later. I got up in the morning and found my pillow wet, it reminded me of what I was going through and made me cry again, not the kind of start one would want for himself. But I had an unfinished job , I walked out of the house to see my wife and break the most unwanted news to her. All my way I was thinking about the way I would tell her, I was unsure of the words I would use but then I realized that words would be insignificant just a look at my face and colour of eyes would tell her the entire story.On my way I saw people holding roses in their hand and wearing some particular colour, I couldn’t make out what colour that was. I wanted to rush up to her there was a haste in my walk, though I did have a sad news but I wanted to tell her as early as possible I didn’t even consider her being unwell, perhaps crying my heart out with her was only concern. I entered her room, she asked me without using any words and all I could hardly whisper in her ears and we broke into tears, for a moment crying felt good. I wished I could cry more but the unfinished job was on my mind so I left her in tears and moved onto my destination.Walking towards the mortuary I was thinking about those black mortuary vans and I was wondering if mortuary was black in colour but I think it was not. Soon my frozen baby was handed over to me and I again travelled and incidentally in a black car. I was holding her in my arms , the ice was melting and so was my grief and was coming out through my eyes. I felt the baby was so relaxed in my arms. Travelling along a canal we crossed few fields and reached the banks of Yamuna. A man started digging with shovel and finished soon as the sand was loose, I wished if he could dig deeper to accommodate my grief but I was told it was deep enough, I got ready to lower the baby keeping the sorrow to myself. I removed the white cloth saw a red colour blood clot on her left cheek, she still looked so cute I wanted to kiss her cheeks.As I lowered her down my eyes were filled with water I couldn’t see anything clear, sunlight broke into many colours through the water in my eyes but looked colourless. I was wondering what is the colour of sorrow, that day I saw every colour but none meant anything to me.
THE DAY AFTER
THE DAY AFTER
It was all about waiting for the day which was never to be, we talked about it we thought about it almost every day, it was going to be a new beginning. We wondered how would it change our lives and minds, sometimes we were casual about it and sometimes pretty serious. We lived that every day before it finally came. Then the day came I started my journey as to see what we were waiting for, I got delayed by every possible means traffic congestion on road, trains not running and flights running late, finally by the time I could reach the place I just got a glimpse of the day but still not what we were waiting for.That night we again talked about the day and we discussed how the feeling has not still sunk in, may be seeing is believing and we still had just the news not any glimpse of it. Time moved on the and then came the next day, I got up unsure of what is in the store today. Soon I got an unexpected call, I obviously rushed and then I was told what shook me.I had no time to think so I just reacted and again started a battle in a bid to save the dream we had seen for that day we were waiting for. I never realized before that day that breathing is so difficult I felt weight on my breath as I was carrying someone else also along. My breath was heavy, my mind working mechanically and my heart filled with prayers to save the day. Every moment we dreamt of ran in front of my eyes in bits and pieces and looked so real as if we lived through them.Suddenly I found myself running for life though not my own but it was so connected, with every moment a sadness was sinking in but hope was still alive in a corner. Breathing again became difficult, all the air in atmosphere was not enough to support just one breath, and it all appeared illogical. The hope started shrinking and I watched it dropping, the rise and fall got entangled with heavy breath and finally the entire struggle put in was lost against the inevitable. All that heaviness moved up to my throat and eyes. It was not raining but I was drenched in my thoughts and in my tears. Soon, all I came with was handed over to me wrapped up and frozen. I wished my tears could warm it up but that was just a wish. I travelled again to an unknown place, there was still water in front of me and some running in my eyes. It looked like a stagnant unmoving river with vast sandy banks, something was screaming overhead I raised my head and saw many vultures circling around. Seeing this the weight in my hands grew heavier, I bent down to lower the weight into a deep pit and all the thoughts came to my mind again. How many dreams we had seen how much pampering we had planned to give but here I was leaving my new born daughter buried deep under. The wind slapped me on my face and I suddenly realized that the day we were waiting for has come and gone.The day after, this text came out of my heart as imprints of my tears, I wrote this because tears cannot be preserved but probably this way they can be.
It was all about waiting for the day which was never to be, we talked about it we thought about it almost every day, it was going to be a new beginning. We wondered how would it change our lives and minds, sometimes we were casual about it and sometimes pretty serious. We lived that every day before it finally came. Then the day came I started my journey as to see what we were waiting for, I got delayed by every possible means traffic congestion on road, trains not running and flights running late, finally by the time I could reach the place I just got a glimpse of the day but still not what we were waiting for.That night we again talked about the day and we discussed how the feeling has not still sunk in, may be seeing is believing and we still had just the news not any glimpse of it. Time moved on the and then came the next day, I got up unsure of what is in the store today. Soon I got an unexpected call, I obviously rushed and then I was told what shook me.I had no time to think so I just reacted and again started a battle in a bid to save the dream we had seen for that day we were waiting for. I never realized before that day that breathing is so difficult I felt weight on my breath as I was carrying someone else also along. My breath was heavy, my mind working mechanically and my heart filled with prayers to save the day. Every moment we dreamt of ran in front of my eyes in bits and pieces and looked so real as if we lived through them.Suddenly I found myself running for life though not my own but it was so connected, with every moment a sadness was sinking in but hope was still alive in a corner. Breathing again became difficult, all the air in atmosphere was not enough to support just one breath, and it all appeared illogical. The hope started shrinking and I watched it dropping, the rise and fall got entangled with heavy breath and finally the entire struggle put in was lost against the inevitable. All that heaviness moved up to my throat and eyes. It was not raining but I was drenched in my thoughts and in my tears. Soon, all I came with was handed over to me wrapped up and frozen. I wished my tears could warm it up but that was just a wish. I travelled again to an unknown place, there was still water in front of me and some running in my eyes. It looked like a stagnant unmoving river with vast sandy banks, something was screaming overhead I raised my head and saw many vultures circling around. Seeing this the weight in my hands grew heavier, I bent down to lower the weight into a deep pit and all the thoughts came to my mind again. How many dreams we had seen how much pampering we had planned to give but here I was leaving my new born daughter buried deep under. The wind slapped me on my face and I suddenly realized that the day we were waiting for has come and gone.The day after, this text came out of my heart as imprints of my tears, I wrote this because tears cannot be preserved but probably this way they can be.
impressions......... everlasting
07 jan 10
Impressions……..everlasting
In our lifetime we see, hear and feel lot of things which leave their impressions on our mind and soul. Some of them are short lived and some are everlasting. a few times things, person or an experience cement their place in our memory without even we getting to know them but they appear in a flash when we are least expecting them. Few words spoken casually by someone gets engraved deep even if they don’t make sense that time.
Sumone once asked me that did I have a troubled childhood, though it did not offend me because I knew that he was trying to get a reaction from me but that remark took me out of that place and I found myself in a room where a child was sleeping, it was early morning and I felt cold the calender was showing 14 jan , the sun was out but it was foggy outside,I was breathing deep and felt the freshness and coldness of the air . a person entered the room calling out some name, perhaps he was calling the child’s name and wanted him to get up. The child moved a little bit in the quilt and then again settled down in his peaceful sleep, the man moved towards the bed and sat besides the sleeping child. He was about to touch his son’s forehead but then he realised his hands were cold so he shook his son’s shoulder calling his name. child opened his eyes slowly and looked towards his father perhaps a bit upset to be woken up, he angrily mumbled and turned his back towards the father and tried hiding his hands under the the pilow to get some warmth but his expressions changed perhaps he touched something cold there. Soon the child got up fully awake and removed his pilow , he saw a lot of shining coins, the shine reflected in his smile which was infact brighter. His eyes were shining too and he was telling his was father that he was seeing new coins in his dreams. His sparkling eyes were expressing how it feels when a dream comes true . his father was listening to him in amaze paying attention to everything the child said and enjoying his son’s expressions. The child was simply overjoyed and told his father that dreams do come true, father shook his head in agreement tapped on child’s head and then he went out of the room with a satisfying smile on his face remembering how the child was searching his pocket for coins when he came back from office,he was sad to see his upset as the child did not find any coins and notes did not look their worth to the child as he wanted coins,the man then explained his son that he can get things if he dreams about them and believes in his dreams.
I was in awe of that man how he induced a dream in his child’s brain taught him to believe in it and then in the morning fulfilled his dream by placing few new coins under his son’s pillow. His smile was of a proud father who not only gifted his son a memory to cherish but also taught him to believe in his dreams as dreams come true only if someone has faith .
Suddenly I heard someone taking my name and I saw the person who asked me about my troubled childhood.i wanted to tell him that my childhood was not troubled it was bright like those coins but I just gave him a smile and left the room and he was wondering why I was smiling when he was trying to get me upset. I was smiling bcause his question made me cherish my childhood memories with my father and his everlasting teaching………believe in your dreams…they do come true…
Impressions……..everlasting
In our lifetime we see, hear and feel lot of things which leave their impressions on our mind and soul. Some of them are short lived and some are everlasting. a few times things, person or an experience cement their place in our memory without even we getting to know them but they appear in a flash when we are least expecting them. Few words spoken casually by someone gets engraved deep even if they don’t make sense that time.
Sumone once asked me that did I have a troubled childhood, though it did not offend me because I knew that he was trying to get a reaction from me but that remark took me out of that place and I found myself in a room where a child was sleeping, it was early morning and I felt cold the calender was showing 14 jan , the sun was out but it was foggy outside,I was breathing deep and felt the freshness and coldness of the air . a person entered the room calling out some name, perhaps he was calling the child’s name and wanted him to get up. The child moved a little bit in the quilt and then again settled down in his peaceful sleep, the man moved towards the bed and sat besides the sleeping child. He was about to touch his son’s forehead but then he realised his hands were cold so he shook his son’s shoulder calling his name. child opened his eyes slowly and looked towards his father perhaps a bit upset to be woken up, he angrily mumbled and turned his back towards the father and tried hiding his hands under the the pilow to get some warmth but his expressions changed perhaps he touched something cold there. Soon the child got up fully awake and removed his pilow , he saw a lot of shining coins, the shine reflected in his smile which was infact brighter. His eyes were shining too and he was telling his was father that he was seeing new coins in his dreams. His sparkling eyes were expressing how it feels when a dream comes true . his father was listening to him in amaze paying attention to everything the child said and enjoying his son’s expressions. The child was simply overjoyed and told his father that dreams do come true, father shook his head in agreement tapped on child’s head and then he went out of the room with a satisfying smile on his face remembering how the child was searching his pocket for coins when he came back from office,he was sad to see his upset as the child did not find any coins and notes did not look their worth to the child as he wanted coins,the man then explained his son that he can get things if he dreams about them and believes in his dreams.
I was in awe of that man how he induced a dream in his child’s brain taught him to believe in it and then in the morning fulfilled his dream by placing few new coins under his son’s pillow. His smile was of a proud father who not only gifted his son a memory to cherish but also taught him to believe in his dreams as dreams come true only if someone has faith .
Suddenly I heard someone taking my name and I saw the person who asked me about my troubled childhood.i wanted to tell him that my childhood was not troubled it was bright like those coins but I just gave him a smile and left the room and he was wondering why I was smiling when he was trying to get me upset. I was smiling bcause his question made me cherish my childhood memories with my father and his everlasting teaching………believe in your dreams…they do come true…
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